COVIDIOTs – The byproducts of COVID-19

I could have sworn that we all knew this was coming.

This wretched pandemic which started in the butt cracks of Chinese bats carefully consumed by the chinks has led us to sit at home and lay eggs. All countries are on a standstill. The damsels and nymphets rated sexiest face of the year have covered their traps with masks. Why? Because a certain Ching lee couldn’t keep it in his pants when his mom asked what he’d want for dinner.

Coming to the meat of the matter, I recently travelled over half the country after putting up a thorough fight with my boss to be able to go home. To do what? Exactly what I was doing back there at work, which is nothing. Yet I chose to travel and put myself at risk, because I just needed a getaway. Yes mighty selfish of me. That makes me a moron aka COVIDIOT. Hey, that’s not bad, I already spotted one.

So after weeks of collective begging by me and my colleagues who got sick of me, I finally managed to pack up and take a few flights to reach home.

I was fortunate enough to find a few COVIDIOTs on the way who can be broadly classified into the following –

  1. The Commando. So a commando is a phrase I am stealing from the popular sitcom which refers to a person not wearing an underwear beneath their clothes. So keeping the spirits alive, we’ll always find a commando amongst the multitude who wouldn’t be wearing a mask amongst a sea of people. He is that forgetful chutiya who always makes an excuse as to how he forgot to wear one or how his mask miraculously tore in the last minute. So ab “ek baar mask nahi pehenne se kya hota hai?”. Well you horse’s ass, you’ve just caused a truckload of people to shit bricks the whole week. Now the people who got to stare at your moronic face will go home and scrub their hands and wash their faces, now that their lives literally depend on it. Teenage daughters will lose their curfew privileges because of you and the boys who make up the lovely excuses of talking a walk with their friends in order to grab that evening sutta will be stuck at home due to paranoid parents losing their shit, saying things like ” log mask nahi pehen rahe beta”.

2. The Rahul Gandu. It took me a while to come up with this name. I had to settle for Rahul Gandu because the name is as useless and irrelevant as the character of the COVIDIOT. So dear friend, a Rahul Gandu is that sweet fucker who’d wear a mask to hide the tears of his parents, and will cover every god damn aspect of his face except for the nostrils. He’ll probably come at you with an excuse that he was feeling suffocated or that conventional ” ek minute ke liye hi neeche Kiya” type excuse. Don’t let that bastard sell you this. We’re all struggling, and in this international emergency that required him to step outside wearing a mask. He should be shamed in public. Can we blame a Rahul Gandu entirely for his stupidity? Not entirely. A Rahul Gandu can’t be held accountable for his actions. He probably didn’t get belted enough in his childhood. When asked he often got away with excuses like women empowerment. So why blame him now? He is a spoilt fuck who probably walked up to his mom to clean his butt after a poop, just when she sat down to have her lunch. Such people are rarely allowed to see daylight. Maybe that is why they’re often so fair skinned.

3. The Modi. These are the most popular and commonly found species. One in every two people is a quintessential Modi. These are the guys who wear the plain old blue coloured surgical masks thinking that’s given them a ticket to immunity against any pandemic. Wearing a mask has given them the necessary confidence to stand up as soon as the plane touches down and get their crotch and butt contact game with other passengers on point while continuing to ignore a screaming air hostess, literally begging them to sit down. They’re the chaps who will form a quick orgy like commotion while the medical authorities diligently call them for a swab sample. They always have the ” yaar I wore a mask” ready for deployment. A Modi will get away with murder with the notion that he has followed a common binding rule of wearing a mask. Needless to say, he’d be the same asshole who’d be wearing a mask and judging the others for their flaws.

4. The Number Dumper. This guy is that one asshole of the group that everyone is nice to just because he would spoil the mood of the environment with his nauseating frown. A number dumper is a mosquito creeping and following you everyday observing and waiting for you to crib about the pandemic, often waiting for you to exclaim about how X number of people have been infected, only to correct you midway and say no it’s Y. He jerks off to the idea of correcting people for their facts. He would rather Google Search for number active cases instead of gathering a holistic mood and then spoil everyone’s day. He prides himself for his amazing knowledge of infected statistics, grabbed from a loser news channel flashing death tolls like live cricket score cards.

5. The WhatsApp Graduates. Personally, this is my favourite lot. It mostly comprises of the old parents and uncles who send you those flower and moons, wishing their entire contact list full of plumbers and cable tv collectors, a very happy random Jayanti. Their proven Ayurvedic methods to curb cancer and COVID with eucalyptus oil and lemons rubbed with the ballsack of a one legged goat. They’d believe the lengthy crap forwarded on the phone yet give you a deaf ear when you’d tell them that it is okay to not pursue Engineering after 12th.

We’re all living in a country with over 1.2 billion people sitting and ignoring the basics put down in subtle ABCs. Social distancing has been skullfucked by people like you and I who are excellent at finding loopholes. It’s just human nature. It feels so wrong to admit here that we Indians are the pioneers of this marvellous mentality. We deserve a pandemic to cut some of us in half. There are doctors and health workers risking their lives out there to save morons like us who have absolutely no regard to their sacrifices.

We have been so critical of the government and it’s lack of readiness in dealing with the pandemic. In all honesty, a system in place can be installed for citizens, not educated nitwits like us who are reporting to quarantine after spending half a day outside, painting the town red and not taking advisories seriously.

There’s no vaccine for collective stupidity.